Living an Interdependent Couple Relationship
Interdependence is one of the core principles of Mindfulness and NonViolent Communication.
In mindfulness it means that we are not separated from our environment: the air we breathe is inhaled by billions of sentient beings, the clothes we wear have been produced, transported, sold by other humans, the adult we are is the child we were yesterday and the extension of the generations before us.
In NonViolent Communication, it means supporting each other to get our needs met, instead of getting our needs met at the expense of the others.
This concept is beautiful on paper, but...
How does interdependence translate into our everyday relationships?
“Interdependence suggests that partners recognize and value the importance of the emotional bond they share while maintaining a solid sense of self within the relationship dynamic.”
The characteristics of an interdependent relationship are: (1)
• Healthy boundaries
• Active listening
• Time for personal interests
• Clear communication
• Taking personal responsibility for behaviors
• Creating safety for each other to be vulnerable
• Engaging and responding to each other
• Healthy self-esteem
• Being open and approachable with each other
What is not an interdependent relationship?
If you are familiar with the attachment theory, an interdependent relationship relates to a secure attachment. The other most common styles of attachment are: Disconnected, Independent, Dependent.
The outline below describes the four adult attachment styles and prototypical descriptions of each. (2)
Disconnected / Anxious and Avoidant: High on avoidance, high on anxiety. Uncomfortable with intimacy, and worried about partner’s commitment and love. “I am uncomfortable getting close to others and find it difficult to trust and depend on them. I worry I will be hurt if I get close to my partner.”
Independent / Avoidant: High on avoidance, low on anxiety. Uncomfortable with closeness and primarily values independence and freedom; not worried about partner’s availability. “I am uncomfortable being close to others. I find it difficult to trust and depend on others and prefer that others do not depend on me. It is very important that I feel independent and self-sufficient. My partner wants me to be more intimate than I am comfortable being.”
Dependent / Anxious: Low on avoidance, high on anxiety. Crave closeness and intimacy, very insecure about the relationship. “I want to be extremely emotionally close (merge) with others, but others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t love or value me and will abandon me. My inordinate need for closeness scares people away.
Interdependent / Secure: Low on avoidance, low on anxiety. Comfortable with intimacy; not worried about rejection or preoccupied with the relationship. “It is easy for me to get close to others, and I am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.”
We all have each of those attachments to a certain degree, in some situations, and with some people.
It is also important to understand that each of those attachment styles is a strategy that we have learned early on to fulfill a purpose. For example, disconnection can be a way to protect ourselves from an abusive behavior; Being independent can be very useful during a crisis when making swift decisions and bold actions are required. Being dependent means you value the emotional bond with others more than the results and it can make you an empathic leader.
Source: https://leadingessentially.files.wordpress.com/2015/01/eq-picture2.jpg
The attachment styles also can be seen as developmental phases that one can not avoid going through in order to reach interdependence. In his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, the late Stephen Covey says that "interdependence is a choice only independent people can make". He adds that in life we move from dependence [the baby phase] to independence [the teenage phase] to interdependence [the adult phase].
Question to ponder
If you sit quietly and think about yourself as part of relationships (teams, couple, friendships, one-on-one encounters, etc.) what tendencies do you notice about yourself?
Where each of these patterns has been useful in your life? Where are they still useful? Where are they not useful anymore?
What is your next development phase?
What would it take for you to move towards more interdependence in your relationships?
Sources:
(1)https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-build-a-relationship-based-on-interdependence-4161249
(2)Adapted from https://www.evergreenpsychotherapycenter.com/styles-adult-attachment/
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